Five Negotiations

Five Negotiations – MomoKai – PG-13

“Have you ever kissed someone?” asks Momoshiro out of nowhere.

Kaidoh says nothing.

“Nah, I can’t imagine you having kissed anyone. Ever. In your entire life. Who would want to? Yeah.”

Kaidoh hisses at him.

“If you’ve never kissed anyone before in your lifetime, how will you know that the first kiss you have is an okay kiss? I mean, it’s not like you can draw from experience, and you don’t really have something to compare it to … so how do you know if you’re a bad or good kisser?”

“Shut up.”

“I kissed a girl once. Well okay, it was more or less done on a dare, by her friends, I merely complied, I’m a nice guy like that. It was quick, and it was my first—it was hers too, I think. Or at least, I hope it was. She better not have lied to me.”

“You’re a moron.”

“Anyways, it was over in a second, it was just a peck really. I thought nothing of it, all I did was another good deed for humanity. She looked really nervous in finding a guy she could kiss, so I stepped in. Yeah, I’m nice like that, charity and stuff, you know? I should be getting medals for that kind of stuff.”

“You wanted the old lady to pay you for helping her cross the street.”

“I’d almost forgotten about the entire thing, until I came across her in the hallway, she was crowded with her other girl friends. Why do girls do that? Always crowing around in groups, it’s actually really annoying, because they block half of the hallway like that. Especially when they go to the bathroom.”

“Maybe she was just hiding from you.”

“They were talking about first kisses. So naturally, I stopped to listen.”

“You stalked her, you mean.”

“And then when it was her turn, she said her first kiss was horrible! Horrible, can you imagine? I mean, maybe I had bad breath or something—but come on, horrible? Was it really necessary to describe it like that? I don’t think you can really judge someone’s kissing abilities on just a smell peck. I mean, don’t you need to kiss each other at least four or five times to judge that?”

“Shut the hell up already.”

“I mean geez, not everyone’s first kiss is going to be all rainbows and sunshine. And I’m pretty sure my breath didn’t smell, and I didn’t eat anything weird before that either. Wait, I might have, I can’t remember what I had for lunch that day. Do you think that’s why she said it was horrible? Because I ate something she hated?”

“How the fuck should I know?”

“Well, unless she had a peanut allergy or something—that’s still way rude. I mean, suck it up or something, or at least lie to your friends and say you had the best first kiss ever. Yeah, stupid girl. I’m not a bad kisser at all. Do you think I’m a bad kisser?”

“… Seriously?”

“I don’t think I’m a bad kisser, it was really only a peck on the lips. How could that be horrible? How can I mess that up? Hey, since you haven’t had your first kiss yet, would you say kissing me would be horrible as well?”

“I’d gauge my eyes out and flush my mouth with acid.”

“Well, that’s a little extreme. I’m sure I’m not bad at it or anything. Everyone needs practice, right? Even you need to practice, I’m sure you’re worse than me—at least I already kissed someone. Either way, since you never kissed anyone, you wouldn’t be able to compare, and it would make no sense for you to call it horrible.”

“It makes perfect sense to me, you fucking moron.”

“What? How? My breath doesn’t smell—wait lemme check—nope it doesn’t smell, and I’d like to think my lips are big kissy lips, perfect for becoming a pro at it. So really, the only way for it to turn out bad, is because you’re bad at it.”


“Yeah, it can’t be me. I already kissed someone, so I’ve got more experience than you. That counts for something.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“I’m saying you’d be the bad kisser, not me. Yeah. Definitely. My lips are better than yours. And my breath doesn’t smell. Besides, I’m always better than you, no matter what it is.”

“Why don’t you go and jump in front of a bus and die?”

“Do you want to try it out?”

“What, jumping in front of a bus?”

“No, you dumbass. Kissing.”

“Okay, how about I’ll push you in front of a bus, is that better?”

“Come on, no one will know. It’s not like we’ll ever tell someone, eww no, that’s gross and embarrassing. But it wouldn’t be bad, I know I’m not a bad kisser. You on the other hand, might be, but I’m not. I’ll prove it to you. I’m not a bad kisser.”

“You don’t have to prove anything, you fucking nut!”

“Just one kiss.”


“No wait, you can’t accurately judge based on just one kiss. Yeah, at least four or five times would do, then you’d at least know for real if you’re a bad kisser or not. So Kaidoh, five kisses; how about it?”

“I’ll give you five punches, how about that? One on your jaw, one on your nose, one on your cheek, one on your forehead, and the other one in your balls.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Five kisses for five punches? That doesn’t seem fair. Punches hurt you know, and you can punch really hard. I swear you put extra force behind it when it’s me you’re punching—”


“—but there will be no punching today. I’m bored, I’m stuck in this god damn fucking room with you, and I want to see if I’m a better kisser than you.”

“You’re deluded, seriously.”

“So how about it?”

“Try it and I’ll knock you into a coma.”

“You’re just scared.”

“Fshuuuu, I’m not. You’re disgusting. I’m not going to let you touch me.”

“You didn’t seem to mind touching me this morning, when you were trying to prove how awesome you are at throwing me across the room.”

“That’s different.”

“How so? You’re still touching!”

“It’s not kissing!”

“Touching, kissing—same difference!”

“Shut up already!”

“Anyways, back to kissing. So you never kissed anyone, right? Wait, no, don’t answer that. You’d be lying anyway if you said you have.”

“How would you know?”

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re too ugly to be kissed. No girl would want to touch you voluntarily. Unlike me, I attract girls like bees to honey. Either way, since you’ve never kissed, you’d be pretty bad at it, right? I wouldn’t be, I’ve already kissed once, so I’d be better at it than you, but still—that stupid girl didn’t know what she was talking about. Calling it ‘horrible’. Hah! I’ll show her horrible.”

“You’re the one who’s ugly. With your stupid hedgehog hair.”

“Better than your greasy hair.”

“My hair isn’t greasy.”

“Yes it is, I can see the light shine off of it from here!”

“That’s ’cause your eyes are bad!”

“I have perfect vision.”

“Yeah, then why did you walk into that glass door the other day, huh?”

“That was different. It was literally spotless, no one could have seen that!”

“I saw it.”

“Yeah, but you’re a freak. You probably smelled it ahead of time or something.”

“Fshuuu, I am not a freak!”

“Sure you’re not, that’s why all the girls run away screaming from you.”

“They don’t.”

“Did you see that last group of girls scream in agony once you glanced at their direction? Can’t miss ’em, they’re always crowding around the fences to cheer for Echizen, and when you step on the courts, they scramble away as if their asses are on fire.”

“They don’t! I’m not scary!”

“Yes you are! If I saw you on the street at night, I’d turn the other way and take a detour!”

“You already do that when you see me during the daylight, moron.”

“Oh, you’re right, haha. Well, whatever. You’re still scary.”

“Fshuuuu, asshole. You’re retarded.”

“That’s not very nice to say.”

“Sorry. You’re really retarded.”

“Asshole, you want a piece of me!?”

“Come get it, dumbass!”

“Alright, one punch for one kiss!”

“Hell no, stay away from me, Momoshiro!”

“Ah come on, I’m bored, and no one would know anyway.”

I would know, and I don’t want to!”

“Pfft—who cares about what you want?”

“That’s it, I’m gonna sock one to yah.”

“Okay, do it on the cheek. And then we kiss.”


“You don’t have to!”


“I’ll do it.”



“Stay away from me!”

“Oh come on, didn’t you say you wanted to punch me?”

“You’re disgusting, stop it already. God damnit, why were you such an idiot and managed to lose the key to the damn door?”

“It wasn’t my fault. I got distracted.”

“By what?”

“By your nosehair.”

“… What.”

“There is this really black and thick hair peeking out of your left nostril that’s been sitting there the entire day, and it’s been bugging me non-stop!”

“N-no there’s not!”

“Hah, I made you look. I was joking.”

“Asshole! I’m really going to punch you!”

“I’m really going to kiss you!”

“Stop that!”


“Why do you want to kiss so badly?”

“I’m bored, isn’t that reason enough?”

“That’s a terrible reason, you dumbass. Stay away from me.”

“I’m sitting way across the room! What are you complaining about?”

“Not far enough!”

“Shut up, before I’ll really get up and kiss you against your will!”

“Like I’d let you.”

“I’m stronger than you, you know.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Want me to prove it?”


“Haha, chicken. I win.”

“Yeah, you win, here’s your fucking price; a knuckle sandwich.”

“Ooooh, Kaidoh’s got a sense of humour.”

“Of course I do, idiot.”

“That was sarcasm.”

“I knew that.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“I’m still stronger than you.”

“God damnit, Momoshiro, why can’t you shut up already and let me take a nap or something!? You’re driving me insane!”

“Good, I’m bored.”

“Fuck you!”

“Likewise, Mamushi.”


“… So about that kiss.”

“I’m going to murder you.”

“That’s not nice.”

You’re not nice.”

“I’m plenty nice. Remember? I helped that old lady cross the street.”

“And then you asked money for it!”

“Good deeds must be awarded!”

“No they shouldn’t—you do them because you’re a decent fucking person, not because there’s a reward for it!”

“Then fuck no. I should be given a medal. A shiny golden medal.”

“You should be given a leash and a muzzle.”

“Are you calling me a dog?”

“Did I stutter?”


“Idiot dog.”

“I saw you step in dog poop three days ago, so hah! Who’s the dog now!?”

“T-that has nothing to do with the discussion!”

“Oh, it’s got plenty to do with the discussion. You stepped in shit, which means you’re shit, which means I win.”

“You win what exactly? Moron.”

“A medal.”

“For what!?”

“I don’t know, for being awesome I guess. For always being better than you.”

“You’re NOT better than me!”

“Well … there is one way to find out.”


“I already said that you don’t have to! Just … stay put, and I’ll come over.”

“No, stay away you fucking pervert. Stay in your own piss-poor corner.”

“OoOOoh, I’m going to get you.”




“Ow, what the fuck! You punched me!”

“Because you deserved it asshole!”

“You punched my cheek!”

“Go cry me a river.”


“Wha—what the. What the! WHAT THE HELL!”

“I told you, one punch for a kiss. Ow, my cheek still hurts. Fucking bastard.”

“You … fucking … PERVERT!”




“… Ah fuck, my head hurts. Ugh, why am I on the floor? Was I out?”

“Shut up before I punch you again.”

“Y-you knocked me out! Ah man, no wonder everything hurts so much. If I wasn’t curling up in agony, I’d be walking over to you and—”

“You, stay there. Away from me. If you move, I’ll kill you.”

“Well, that’s not very nice.”

“It’s the nicest thing I’ll ever do to you. Putting you out of your misery, I mean.”

“… Did you kick me in the stomach?”

“Yes. Multiple times.”

“Fucking bastard, kicking me when I’m down.”

“Fucking pervert, kissing me while I’m off guard.”

“That’s not the same thing. One hurts, the other one doesn’t. In fact, I’d call the other pleasant almost.”

“I don’t fucking care. Just don’t fucking touch me again.”

“Like I even want to.”

“Good, then stay over there before I punch you again. Asshole.”



“So, how was it?”

“I am seriously going to kill you …”

“It wasn’t bad, right? I told you; it’s just a peck. You can’t screw that up, even as your first time. Do you think I screwed it up? No way, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyway. No one can be bad at something like that, and it especially doesn’t warrant a comment such as ‘horrible!’ because it’s not.”

“It was fucking horrible, you disgusting pervert.”

“What? Why? I know it’s me and everything, but come on, it wasn’t horrible, was it?”

“Disgustingly so.”

“How would you know? You pushed me away before you could even judge accurately. You’re the same as that stupid girl, it was only a peck, and then you whine how horrible it was afterwards. We didn’t even get to the good part.”

“Just shut up already. I don’t want to listen to you whine and whine about this until someone comes and rescues us—and don’t you fucking dare and touch me again!”

“I’m not going to. Ah man, you really hit me hard in the face, and my stomach hurts!”

“You deserved it.”

“I deserve being kicked I the stomach while I was out?”

“… I might have been gone a tiny bit overboard.”

You think!?

“Wait—no, you deserve everything that’s coming to you! You kissed me.”

“So what, it wasn’t bad, now was it?”

“It was! Disgusting! Ew! Now it’s going to be a permanent stain on my life.”

“I don’t know whether to be insulted, or flattered. Gee, I didn’t think you’d like me that much, Mamushi.”

“I don’t like you, you fucking moron. I’m absolutely disgusted by you.”

“But the kiss wasn’t bad, right?”

“Shut up about it already, I don’t want to think about it again!”

“Yo, Mamushi.”


“One punch for a kiss.”

“I hope sharks will evolve legs and come and eat you.”

“Guess how many times you punched me?”


“… Plus one.”

“Minus one.”

“Plus one.”


“Hell no it wasn’t! One on the cheek, and the other on the jaw that knocked me out!”


“So that means—”


“Come on, Kaidoh, it’s only fair. You got to punch me, so I get to kiss to prove I’m not a bad kisser.”

“But you are! Terrible!”

“How would you know!?”

“You kissed me, didn’t you!?”

“It was a peck, and you pushed me away before it lasted even longer than a split second. That doesn’t count. Let me do it over.”

“I don’t want a do over! I don’t want to do it ever again!”

“It’s only fair, you got to punch me, I get to kiss you.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense whatsoever. I didn’t even agree to such a stupid rule, you asshole. So stay away from me already before I punch you.”

“Well, I don’t really care, that only means you owe me two kisses if you punch me again.”

“You’re infuriating! I’m going to die of sheer insanity if I’m stuck with you here any longer.”

“You should have thought about that before entering in here to pick a fight with me.”

“I didn’t come to pick a fight with you.”

“Oh yeah, then why did you get inside of here as well?”

“Moron, it’s a storage shed. It stores stuff—I was simply going to get something.”

“Liar. Like what?”

“… I forgot.”

“See, liar!”

“I’m not lying!”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”

“Shut up!”

“Make me!”

“I’ll punch you!”

“Ok, make it quick, then I get to kiss you twice.”

“Ugh, you’re disgusting!”

“I’m still going to kiss you.”

“Someone … please kill me.”

“Can I? Please let me do it, that would be so much fun.”

“Anyone but you.”

“That’s unfair.”

“Life’s a bitch.”

“You’re a bitch.”

“Shuuuut uuuup!”

“Why? Annoying you isn’t boring, and I’m bored, and my cheek hurts, and my jaw hurts, and my stomach hurts, and I think you owe me a kiss to make me feel better.”

“Why do I suddenly owe you one now?”

“Because you do? Remember, one punch for a kiss.”

“I didn’t agree to that stupid rule!”

“You agreed by punching me.”

“No I didn’t, moron. I didn’t agree to anything.”

“I said ‘one punch for one kiss’ and then you punched me, so negotiations are over in my opinion. We struck a deal, Kaidoh. Don’t whimp out now.”

“I’m not whimping out of anything.”

“That’s not a word, stupid.”

“Do I look like I care?”

“You look quite scary, I’ll say.”

“Shut up, you look disgusting.”

“No, I don’t—I look awesome. And I’m an awesome kisser too!”

“Keep on dreaming, Momoshiro.”

“I don’t have to dream when it’s real. Especially since I will kiss you again. Because I am a good kisser, I’m not a bad kisser—I’ll prove it damnit.”

“You don’t have to prove anything at all! Why do you keep thinking that?”

“Because she said I was a horrible kisser.”


“And you did too. So now I have to prove myself.”

“I don’t understand your logic.”

“Five kisses. That’s all. After five kisses, and if you still say I’m a bad kisser, I’ll concur.”

“… Really?”


“I don’t care, go stuff your kisses up your ass.”

“You can punch me three more times—it’s a pretty awesome deal for you, if I might say. I’ll even let you punch me in the balls for the last one. You did sum it up where you wanted to punch me; it’s only fair I uphold your end of the deal.”

“I’ll punch you where ever, and whenever I want, moron.”

“It’s all I’m asking for, five—well I guess it’s four now—kisses. No one will know. Whatever happens in this room, stays in this room.”

“How about I kill you in this room and get off scot-free?”

“That’d be cruel, even for you.”

“You have no idea what I’m capable of when I have to listen to a moron who keeps whining about wanting to kiss me.”

“I don’t want to kiss you. I simply want to prove I’m good at it. At least better than you.”

“You’re not better than me.”

“I am better at you with everything—but especially with kissing.”

“No, you’re not. You’re deluded to think that.”

“Well then, prove me wrong!”

“Like hell I am!”

“You suck, you know that? Geez, it’s four more kisses! And it won’t be bad at all, because I’m the one doing the kissing, and I’m awesome at it.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Fuck you, I’m great.”

“You suck.”

“Okay, that’s it.”


“Shut your lips, fucking ass.”


“Then stop struggling!”

“Stop trying to kiss me! Fshuuu!”

“It’s not going to be a good kiss if you keep hissing.”

“We’re NOT kissing, let—go—of—me!”

“Argh, stop moving!”

“I’ll move all I want! Get away!”

“Shut up!”






“Shit, I’m bleeding.”


“Urgh, this is gross—it won’t stop!”

“Fucking asshole, I hope I broke it.”

“I think you did! It fucking hurts!”


“Shit, it really won’t stop. Give me some tissues or something.”

“Use your shirt, dumbass.”

“It’s already bloodied now! Give me something clean.”

“Moron, pinch your nose, then you’ll stop bleeding all over yourself.”

“Ughhh, this is all your fault Mamushi.”

“You brought it upon yourself.”

“Hand me that towel over there, behind you, on the rack.”

“Hmpf. Here.”

“I won’t say thank you.”

“I won’t say you’re welcome.”

“Ewwww. What is that!? I think my brain just fell out!”

“… Hmfheh.”

“Don’t laugh at me! Look at this blob of gooey red that came out of my nose, I’m sure it’s my brain!”

“Moron. That’s not your brain. You didn’t have one to begin with anyway.”

“Shut up, of course I do. Eww, this is gross.”

“Wah—don’t throw it at me, you asshole!”

“What, you dodged it anyway, what’s the problem.”

“I’ll give you something to dodge about …”

“Hey now—don’t hit me when I’m still bleeding! That’s like, against rival code, dude.”

“What the hell, rival code?”

“Yeah. The one where it says you can’t hit the other when they’re bleeding.”

“Nowhere does it say that.”

“Yes it does, in my mind.”

“… I think you threw your mind out with the rest of the towel from before. You’re insane. I hate you. I hope your nose is really broken.”

“You’ll have to buy me a new one.”

“What, a brain? Impossible.”

“No, idiot, a nose.”

“You can’t buy a nose.”

“Hello? Plastic surgery?”

“That’s different.”

“No it’s not, they can reconstruct an entire nose. I saw it before on the Discovery Channel. Though it kinda involves getting a dead person’s nose … Ewww, that reminds me of the one where this guy had no penis, and he got it from a dead gu—”


“That was nasty, gave me nightmares. Yuck. You give me nightmares as well.”

“Good, I hope I haunt you every night.”

“You do, you’re always walking by my house at ten PM.”

“… How did yno I don’t.”

“Yes you do, I can see you from my window, you know? I kind of turn it into a game. I sit at my windowsill, peeking through my closed curtain, while the lights are off of course, and check my watch. You’re always there, ten PM sharp you enter around the corner, jog your way down the sidewalk, and one minute later, you’re gone again.”

“Stalker. Fucking stalker.”

“I use binoculars too, sometimes. It’s fun.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because it’s fun?”

“Watching me?”

“Of course.”

“You’re a fucking pervert.”

“Says the snake who upholds his daily jogging schedule like it’s some kind of religion, and always looks back at my window before they run out of my street.”

“I don’t do that!”

“I’ve got binoculars, you think I’m blind?”

“Fshuuu, I don’t look back at all!”

“Haha, your face is turning red.”

“Asshole, leave me alone already.”

“Aww, don’t go sulk in a corner, Mamushi.”

“I said; leave me alone.”

“But that’s boring. Besides, you don’t want me to leave you alone.”

“Of course I do!”

“Sure. That’s why you’re here, stuck in this room with me.”

“No, I’m here because you lost the damn key. Idiot. It’s all your damn fault.”

“Whatever. Hey, Mamushi.”

“Leave me alone. Why don’t you go talk to the wall.”

“I think my nose stopped bleeding.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Shut up, asshole. Have some remorse.”

“Never for you.”

“So, how does my face look like?”

“It looks disgusting as always.”

“Asshole, I meant my nose!”

“I think it’s an improvement.”

“Fuck you. It still hurts.”

“Good, it’s supposed to.”

“I’ll get you … no wait. That makes three.”

“What makes three?”


“No. NO. I’m not doing this. Fuck off, Momoshiro.”

“Yes—yes, you are doing this. I bled all over myself, the least you can do is suck it up and let me kiss you.”

“Get it through your thick skull already; I don’t want to kiss you!”

“Again; I’m the one doing the kissing! You’d be the … the … kiss-ee!”

“Same damn thing! And I don’t want you to kiss me either. I can’t believe you managed to do it twice already.”

“Well, you make it so easy for me.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Hell yeah you do, it’s almost as if you’re secretly begging for me to kiss you. Hmm, is that why you run by my house every night? In the hopes I’ll come out and kiss you, huh?”

“That’s retarded, why in the world would I do that. I hate you, I don’t like you—why would I want you to kiss me?”

“You still run by my house every night.”

“Shut up! I don’t!”

“You can’t deny it when it’s true!”

“Shut up!”

“You know … there’s one way to shut me up.”

“Yeah, it involves my fist.”

“Okay fine, there’s two ways to shut me up, and I prefer the non-violent one.”

“I definitely prefer the violent one.”

“Oh shut up, you ass. You punched me three times already and I haven’t punched you back, I should be given a medal for my generosity. And since I don’t see a damn medal hanging around my neck, I want a kiss.”

“The only thing you’re getting in your face is my fist.”

“Har-har. Now, are we going to do it or what?”


“If you don’t, I’ll tell everyone in the club that you run by my house every night.”

“… Stupid, you don’t have any proof.”

“Heh … I make it my personal hobby to snap pictures of you with my camera every day.”

“Every day …”

“Every day you come by.”

“So you spy on me and snap pictures? You disgusting voyeur.”

“Says the stalker who looks back at my window.”

“Shut up, I don’t!”

“I’ve got like a hundred pictures of you that says otherwise!”

“I DON’T! There was probably something in my eye.”

“Every time?”

“… I could be wearing eye contacts.”

“Stupid, you don’t wear eye contacts. Just now you said you had perfect vision.”

“Idiot, it’s you who said that.”

“Oh. Right. So what—you still don’t wear contacts.”

“How would you know? Can you see them?”

“I don’t see them!”

“That’s because they’re not there!”

“Stupid, you just admitted you don’t wear them.”

“… Fhsuuuuu. I hate you.”

“Yeah. Whatever. Can I kiss you now?”

“Are you going to shut up?”

“I will when I’m kissing. I don’t talk when I kiss. Did you see me talking the last two times?”

“You—fuck, I don’t care. Shut up already.”

“Kiss me then.”

“I thought we went through this already …”

“Right. Okay, here I go.”


“You know Mamushi, I’m starting to think you’re fucking shy.”

“I’m not shy!”

“Then why won’t you let me kiss you? I’m not bad at it, and no one will know.”

“I’ll know, and it’s disgusting, and I don’t want you touching me!”

“This is going in circles …”

“Yes it is, so shut up.”

“Okay, how about this. If the kiss is bad, you’ll get a free punch. Anywhere you’d like—except for my nose, I really don’t want it broken. Nor my balls, that’s saved for last.”

“You’ll really let me punch your balls?”

“… Yes.”

“… Are you that eager to get me to fondle you?”

“Eww—what, no! That’s gross dude. I’m happy if you change where you want to punch me, but it’s you who brought it up in the first place.”

“Whatever. I’m still not letting you kiss me.”

“Okay fine—what do I need to do to kiss you?”

“… I’m not telling you.”

“You infuriating bastard! All I want is three more kisses! Three! I’m offering punches in return and I won’t hit you back, and no one will know but us, and the kisses will be awesome, and hey you’ll be getting some kissing experience from this too. You’ll need it too, if you ever get lucky enough that a girl wants to kiss you. You probably don’t want to scare her off simply because of bad you are. So see, if you kiss with me, you’ll get better, and then maybe you can get a girlfriend later on that doesn’t completely hate your guts.”

“Who says I want a girlfriend, you damn moron? Don’t go deciding things for me.”

“… Sorry. Boyfriend then.”


“What. You’re the one who creepily stalks me every night.”

“You’re the one who takes pictures of me every night.”

“At least you admit you stalk me every night.”

“Fshuuuu! SHUT UP!”

“Haha, you make it too easy for me, Mamushi. So anyways, back to the kiss—”

“I’m not kissing.”

“Fine. Ruin your life then.”

“How would not kissing ruin my life?”

“If you were paying attention to what I was saying at all, then you’d know I was saying that because you don’t have any kissing experience, you’ll scare off whoever is dumb enough to fall for you and date you in the future.”

“Who says I’ll scare them off?”

“Who doesn’t get scared by you?”

“Fshuuu, no one!”

“Again, I’ll have to point to Echizen’s fanclub; they’re scared of you. All of them.”

“I can’t help it … I just have a rough exterior, and they’re only there to see Echizen anyways.”

“See; you look scary. Now, if you’ll take my tips, you might actually be a decent lover in the future.”

“I don’t want to be a lover!”



“Well, you say that now, but when that special gi—sorry—boy comes along, you’ll be saying otherwise.”

“But I’m not.”

“What, you already found your special boy? Hah, you just admitted to liking guys!”


“Hahaha, you know what—I can entertain myself just by teasing you about liking guys all day long instead of kissing you! That’ll pass the time as well. So Mamushi, when did you discover you like boys? Actually, when did you discover you could like anyone at all?

“Shut up! I don’t like boys!”

“Sure you don’t.”

“I don’t!”

“So who’s the first girl you liked then, huh?”

“I … I’m not answering that question.”

“Hah, see! You never liked a girl before—so you’re either completely asexual, or gay, admit it!”

“Fuck off! What about you huh—you talk like you want to screw everything in sight, regardless of gender!”

“Well, I prefer girls. With breasts and curves, and a cute face, and long black hair—”

“I’m not listening.”

“Ass, you were the one that asked.”

“It was a rhetorical question.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means you’re stupid.”

“Fucking asshole.”


“So who’s the first guy you liked then? Is it … oh god—it’s Inui-senpai isn’t it? That’s why you’re always spending so much time with him!”


“Whoa, if you keep screaming like that, people might actually find us. Keep it up.”

“Shut up, you ass. I don’t like guys.”

“Well, you gotta like someone, come on.”

“I don’t. Especially not you.”

“I didn’t even say anything.”

“Good. Stay that way then.”

“You know, if you just let me kiss you already—”

“I won’t! You gay pervert!”

“Just because I want to prove to you that I’m not a bad kisser, doesn’t mean I’m gay, you dumbass. It doesn’t even mean that I like you, which I definitely don’t. Hell would freeze over first.”

“Hell already froze over when you decided to kiss me.”

“Hmm. Nah, maybe just a little bit. It’s not completely implausible that this would have never happened.”

“… Are you saying that we would have kissed at some point?”

“No—I mean … of course not. That’s stupid. I didn’t mean that, I’m just saying that it wasn’t completely impossible.”

“Which means you thought about it before. Do you always think about kissing me, Momoshiro? Fucking pervert.”

“I don’t! Damnit. Stop twisting my words. It happened, get over it. I don’t think about kissing you, that’s stupid. Just as stupid as you walking by my house every day.”

“You’re stupid.”

“Well, you’re an idiot!”

“Better than some stupid pervert.”

“Again, do I have to remind you that you stalk me at night?”

“I don’t, damnit! It’s just my route Inui-senpai laid out for me.”

“Sure, shove the blame on your beloved Inui-senpai. Admit it Mamushi, you go there every night just to see me.”

“… At least I’m not thinking about kissing you.”

“I don’t! Wait—did you just admi—”


“Yes you did, you just admitt—”





“… uhhm?”

“… There, are you happy now? Fucking pervert. Shut you up at least.”

“A warning next time, okay?”

“You didn’t give me a warning the last two times!”

“Shut up, it’s different when it’s me!”

“How is it different!? And don’t complain! You’re the one that’s been begging for it.”

“Okay fine. The next kiss will be longer, and when I’m actually prepared for it, and then I can show you my stuff.”

“I’m not kissing you again.”

“Just two more to go.”

“I’m not kissing you …”

“Two long kisses.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Okay, here it comes. Don’t you dare and fucking punch me away though.”

“What, no, don—hmpff!”




“… hn …”


“…ha … hngg.”

“…h … hm.”

“…s-sto … … n-no!”

“… hnrrggg …shu … pp.”

“… haa … ha …”



“… There. How was that? Not bad right? Judging by the fact that you didn’t punch my face—OW! COULD YOU NOT WAIT!?”

“Idiot, you asked for it.”

“Geez, my entire face feels like it’s going to split apart! And my nose still hurts too!”

“That’s because you kissed me.”

“Yeah so what, you seemed to be enjoying it just a moment ago.”

“I didn’t! I was just …”

“Just what? Talking against my lips?”


“Admit it; it wasn’t a bad kiss. And jesus; did you really have to punch me that hard?”

“It takes two to kiss, you know, dumbass.”

“Well … that’s true … but it was all me. Or are you saying you were kissing better than me? Hah!”

“Of course I was!”

“Are you seriously calling yourself a better kisser than me!?”

“Again—did I fucking stutter?”

“You didn’t do anything besides gape like a fish!”

“Better than slobber all over someone’s lips like a dog on rabies!”

“Shut up, I didn’t slobber. I barely used any spit.”

“No, some definitely got transferred to me, and now I’m going to have rabies.”

“Shut up, I don’t have rabies. No one does in Japan.”

“I don’t care, you’re lunatic enough to seem like you got it.”

“I’m no loon!”

“Then what in the world possessed you to think kissing me was a great idea!?”

“Because I wanted to!”


“No, wait, let me rephrase that; because I wanted to show I’m not a bad kisser. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to do, I didn’t want to specifically kiss you. You’re just here by sheer dumb luck.”

“I’m starting to think you locked us up in here on purpose.”

“Stupid, why would I willingly get locked up with you?”

“So you could come up with a scheme to kiss me.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Besides, how did I bring you here then, huh? Do I have ESP that I don’t know about?”

“You were being suspicious …”


“You were doing something funny when you got in here.”

“Oh. Wait, you saw me get in? But you didn’t get in here until like ten minutes or so …”


“Oh, I see. Stalking me again.”

“Shut up, I wasn’t. I thought you were going to burn down the school or something. You were being really suspicious.”

“… I wasn’t planning on burning down the school—why would I do that!?”

“You kept hiding something!”

“Why do you keep stalking me so much!?”

“I’m not! It’s not my fault that you parade around like an idiot, and walk into my view.”

“I’m not parading around, idiot.”

“Sure, whatever. Then what were you hiding?”

“None of your damn business.”

“You made it my business when you locked me in here.”

“I didn’t lock you in here! I told you I lost the key, and it only opens on the outside without it!”

“You still did it on purpose!”

“Damnit, I didn’t! I didn’t want to get stuck in here with you! I didn’t want anyone to follow me in here! You stupid loser.”

“What the hell were you doing in here that’s such a secret? You practicing some kind of voodoo or something? Like kissing voodoo?”

“What. No. Moron. What the hell, when have I ever talked about voodoo?”

“You’ve talked about kissing.”

“… But not about voodoo.”

“Fine, not about voodoo kissing.”

“What’s voodoo kissing anyway?”

“I don’t know … where you bewitch me into kissing you, or something.”

“… Hey, you kissed me all on your own. There was no bewitching needed.”

“I only did it to shut you up!”

“You keep telling yourself that.”

“Shut up!”

“Then why don’t you just kiss me!?”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you back!”

“I hate you! Agh, I should have never followed you!”

“I never asked for you to follow me in the first place, you stupid dick!”


“Stupid snake.”

“Stupid peach.”






“Fshuuu, say something, you’re creeping me out when you stop talking.”

“I’m only doing what you told me to do; which is to shut up. Why? Do you like the sound of my voice? I know it’s awesome and all, but I didn’t think you’d be so deeply obsessed with me that you’d actually say it out loud that you want to hear me talk. But I guess that is to be expected when you follow me around all day long, even up till my own house, every single fucking day—and now you were following me inside of this storage closet and giving me some sort of voodoo kissing excuse, or something about being an arsonist. Damnit Kaidoh, why can’t you just spit it out already? Are you really that much of a chicken? It’s been like what, about five months since you started stalking me? And don’t give me that dumb look; I kept track. I marked it on my calendar, and not to mention I take pictures, and they’re quite a lot of them too. So come on, just say it already!”

“You like the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Dumbass.”

“Is that seriously all you’re going to say?”

“What else is there to say?”

“I don’t know, maybe something that would explain why your entire face looks like it’s about to explode from overheating.”

“S-shut up! I’m not blushing!”

“Hah—turning away from me won’t make the image in my mind any less clear.”

“Then erase it.”

“I can’t. It’s kinda stuck now. Especially since you blush way too many times around me. It’s kinda fun.”

“Fuck yourself with a chainsaw.”

“Those colourful words match your colourful face.”

“I hate you.”

“Hey Kaidoh.”

“Shut up, I’m going to ignore you now.”

“You want to know what I was doing when I got in here?”


“Hmm, I might tell you if you turn around.”

“Go choke on dust.”

“There’s not enough dust in this room to choke on it.”

“I think I can help you with that …”

“So, want to know, or not? You seemed eager to know, after all, you followed me in here after I didn’t get out after ten minutes.”


“Okay—I’ll tell you what I was doing. Consider it a freebie in response to your stalkerish activities. So, we were playing tennis before? Right? I’m sure you remember, it happened less than three hours ago. Unless it’s been more hours than that, I don’t know how long I was out for. Anyways, so there I was, practicing my swings, when I saw that you kept leering at me. Yeah—you think I’m blind, Mamushi? I told you, I’ve got perfect vision. I know that you stare at me. And you know what?”


“Fuck it—you stalking me is really damn hot.”


“And I don’t mean that because the weather is hot, but because knowing how obsessed you are with me really gets me going. It’s a lot of fun knowing I’m the one on top, I’m the one you’re obsessed with, and not the other way around.”


“Anyways, as I was saying, you were leering at me with those big scary eyes, and I popped a stiffy. I had to go take care of it before people started noticing. Except you had to come in here as well like some lost puppy and lock us in.”


“There you have it. No fire voodoo going on. Just me. Jerking off to you. Ahhh, that feels good getting off my chest.”

“You’re really disgusting.”

“No less disgusting than you stalking me. Oh, oh! Guess what I do with those pictures I take of you? Go on, guess.”

“… Throw darts at them.”

“I hope you’re fucking kidding, because I’m pretty sure I implied I jerk myself off looking at them.”

“Alright then …”


“… So.”

“Are you not going to say anything? Anything at all?”

“What … should I congratulate you for knowing how to play with your dick?”

“Hmm. Maybe.”



“You’re fucking welcome.”

“Can you turn around already? It’s really annoying talking to your back.”

“Deal with it.”

“Or I can just come over …”

“Stay away from me, you’re really disgusting.”

“How am I any more disgusting than you? I’m not the one who’s following someone around every single day.”

“I’m not following you around!”

“Reeeeeeaaaally. And I’m not jerking off to you either. So I guess we’re even.”

“I’m really not …”


“… What are you—don’t come closer!”

“Hah! I knew it! You’re blushing till the roots of your hair! Wow, I’ve never seen you turn that red before. I must be something alright to turn you that crimson. Damnit, I really should be earning medals …”

“Shut up, you haven’t done anything medal-worthy.”

“Getting Mamushi to blush beet red is medal-worthy in my opinion. In fact, I wish I could take a picture right now of you, but I don’t have my camera.”

“… how many …”

“Hmm? What did you say?”

“How many … did you take.”

“Pictures? Of you? About a hundred or so. Probably more, I also take them at school, or when you’re running somewhere else. But I keep them all inside my house, it’s not like I carry around a picture of you or anything.”


“H-hey, whoa, what are you doing!? Don’t feel me up! Get your hands off my pants!”


“… That picture wasn’t there before. I don’t know what that’s doing in my pocket.”

“For arrogantly talking smack about how much I stalk you and how obsessed I am over you, you have always kept this picture with you, haven’t you?”

“… How would you know? Do you check my pants every day?”


“… You do, don’t you.”

“… Only at practice.”

“Figures. You really are a stalker.”

“Yeah, but you keep me in your pants every day.”

“That sounds really lewd coming from you.”

“Shut up. You had that picture of me for a very long time.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what it’s doing in my pocket.”

“You say you’ve been keeping track of how long I ‘stalk’ you?”

“Yeah, pretty accurately.”

“Yeah, I started the day I found this picture in your pocket.”

“… As I keep saying, I don’t know wha—”

“Shut up.”

“… hrrmmpf!”



“… stop struggling, you’re the one that wanted this.”

“… fuck you. I really hate you … ha …”

“… yeah … same here … stupid peach.”

“… hnn … I’m … the best fucking kisser there is.”

“I think … hm … you need more practice …”

“… is that … an invitation?”





“… yeah … pervert.”

“… hmmhmm … stalker.”



“Five punches for five kisses, did you forget?”


“Heh. By the way—”

“If I can’t produce sperm anymore, I’m holding you accountable!”

“—I’ve got a spare key in my pocket this whole time.”


“See you later, Momoshiro.”


“This is payback for letting me stalk you for five whole months. Fucking jackass.”


“I’ll let you out in the morning.”



Recent Posts

Worst Voltage guys

I figured since I wrote a Top Voltage Guys list, I should make one for the worst ones I’ve had the displeasure of reading!


Title: Our Two Bedroom Story
Character: Kaoru Kirishima

So Kaoru is the kuudere type. You may notice that I hate really badly written kuudere routes. Kaoru is such a route. Why?

Dead girlfriend trope.

Yep. Kaoru’s route deals with him having a dead girlfriend in his past and that makes him hurt and shy and ugh, fuck off. He smokes as well, also a huge turn off. What a waste of money.


Afbeelding_ 026
Title: A Knight’s Devotion
Character: Haku

Fuck you.

That’s all that needs to be said. I’m sorry but I don’t like any route that basically sexually harasses the heroine despite her constant attempts at throwing him off, or telling him to stop. The only thing this route’s got going for, is the horse that keeps biting Haku. Go horse. I’d rather date the horse than this molester.


Title: Enchanted in the Moonlight
Character: Yukinojo

Holy shit did this route piss me off. Voltage recommend his route to me because he was classified as ‘gentle’, and I like that type.

First, he almost rapes the MC. She’s crying and saying ‘no’ as he’s trying to strip her and have sex with her. He finally pulls back. WHAT THE FUCK IS GENTLE ABOUT THIS!?

The MC experiences memory loss because she blocks it from her mind and the very next day chats with him about a flower. She’s actually acting friendly with him.

Now want to know the worst part? Dead girlfriend trope. AGAIN. CAN WE FUCKING NOT!?



Title: When Destiny Comes Knocking
Character: Seiya

The worst Voltage guy goes to Seiya. I mean he competes with Yukinojo for this spot, but there’s something about him specifically that pissed me off to no end. You want to know why? This was Seiya’s entire route:


Seiya: “…”
MC: “…”
Seiya: “…”

That’s literally it most of the time. The times Seiya makes even the slightest effort to communicate, it’s through his cellphone. Yep, he texts the MC. In front of her face.

MC is having panic attacks because she can’t talk to Seiya.


This is the worst route I’ve ever played and I’m seriously disappointed at the crappy writing and excuse for a plot. How Seiya’s route and Shintaro’s route can co-exist in the same app, I have no idea.

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